It's a Stretch

After holding the title of Ugliest legs on the Western Hemisphere since 1993; I decided to have vein stripping procedure done on both my legs by a nice doctor who I choose after discovering her name is longer than mine. this is no small deal, if you're Armenian or Greek, you'll inherit a last name longer than your femur, unless you're of wizard of oz "lollip kid" stature, so it's kind of a big deal and what better way to honor this exuberant event than to allow her to give me a pair of plastic glasses and wield a laser at those pesky veins which just dont' want to allow blood to flow but instead collect at my ankles like cheap navy socks. I'm too young for gnarled ankles with enough veins to map out a trip to the Mojave and back; I'm too young for compression socks and wearing pants in the summer. I've tried tanning cremes which promise me a golden sun goddess glow; I ended up looking like I stood too long in a rusting auto parts pool. Copper - baby poop yellow is the range of sun-kissed color I achieved. The procedure itself wasn't painful, I was given a cup of drugs the size of bolts and issued a paper gown that tore before I was led drowsily to the procedure room; I was asked if i wanted to watch the movie or just the screen saver. Since the movie involved a chimpanzee working towards an MBA, I passed and mostly slept instead though the dr. and assistant kept trying to talk to me and ask me questions which I cna't recall now. I'm convinced they were trying to get me to solve for X midway through the procedure, or maybe the drugs were just wearing off. So now that the procedure is over; I'm to wear thing-high compression stockings which is equivalent to wearing a chastity belt and a bear trap at the same time. Sure it would have been wise to have it done in winter when the socks would have felt cozy on a cold day; but no, I choose mid August because I like forging skirts and capris for pants around the clock though its 90 degrees out. And did I mention the bruising is also decreasing; rather than I look like a stomping victim from a dysfunctional farming community; but with several tubes of Arnica, I should have my regular golden hue back just in time for holiday tights.