Lawn Clippings

It's hard to keep secrets, especially domestic ones such as hiding purchases from your spouse, and covering up the fact that it was you that threw out your son's first- edition Ninja turtle shell-costume.
But I was tired of our yard looking like an abandoned missile site and the next door neighbors' teen inquiry if he could park his for sale, 1974 Chevy Tahoe with mudwheels on our lawn patch. He thought the visible dirt areas would convey his vehicle a sense of off-road adventure. I suggested he get his GED as soon as possible and leave the state.

I hired the gardener I knew my neighbors used, but being on a budget, I signed up for bi-monthly service. All we needed was some edging done, weeds pulled and trees trimmed. Any leftover money that didn't go towards two college tuitions I didn't want to blow on lawn service. No, we used our leftover cash for eating out, preferably a restaurant without a mascot.

Unfortunately, the gardener I chose, arrives when no one is ever home so I have to express my wishes to him via hastily written notes on an envelope placed on a lawn chair held down with a bike pedal
"Cut the citrus trees", I explained one day; only to come home and find a new cat door cut into our garage. Had i known he had carpentry talents, I'd have asked for a tree swing.
After months of finding our yard waste can filled, my husband wised-up and inquired how this was happening. Three answers came to mind as to how to satisfy him: Appear incredulous and suggest it was the work of compassionate teens needing community service hours? Magic elves? or, fess up and let him know I hired the neighborhood gardener (what was his name, from the bible....Isaiah?) and look how nice everything looked? I went with option three but changed the details a bit; I made it sound like the gardener made an appearance once a month, rather than two, that I paid him a mere $35 a month, ha, try $70, and finally, that, he hasn't ruined anything such as sprinkler heads, garden decor. Nor has he stripped our bbq for copper parts.
The unplanned cat door however will be another thing I'll have to explain as some moths down the road, he'll notice; it could be months, it could be tomorrow. I plan on blaming the kids or some high wind that knocked over the basketball hoop , creating the jagged slash on the garage door that the cat refuses to climb through.