Pants Mission

I have no pants. When I do wear what I feel is in style and very far from anything resembling mom jeans and/or toddler Healthtex cords; my teen daughter will make a comment similar to accusing someone of being unpatriotic; and I'll end up returning them. I do have two pairs that I wear repeatedly to work and the only reason no one has commented on it is probably because I pair it with a loud outlandish top such as a green military jacket with a nametag on it that reads "Conrad". I'll buy 4 random tops every 3 months at the local thrift store, and wear them with my two pairs of pants, but not at the same time. This makes people afraid to ask about the pants because well, the tops are so off putting. Top #2 is in the category of gangsta' wear and resembles the early costumes employees at Winchell's donuts wore in 1978, you know, brown, with random stripes, usually in yellow.
The 3rd top I reserve for middle of the week during staff meetings; it consists of a large white collar with such pointed ends it could take an eye out. I call this my Mrs. Brady shirt.
Top #4 is a polyester blend with a pattern of orange circles surrounded by green slashes; anyone with convulsion tendencies should avoid looking directly into this shirt.
I'd like to buy pants that don't' require a pelvis the size of a Popsicle stick, nor a style that exposes my backside when I make any movements from the waist. I want my pants to have two pockets in the back and not sag on my flat behind as if I'm wearing a heavy diaper. Am I asking too much? Do I need to shop at carnival supply sites? What does it take? Sewing my own clothes is out of the question; I'll wear my pants dragging the floor four inches before I even consider hemming.