Sock it To Me

Three o' clock Christmas Eve my teenage daughter, we'll call, Judy,
announces I must drive her to the mall to find a sock monkey for her
newly minted boyfriend. To also protect his identity, we'll call him
Harry although Cabbage Head is more fitting. A nice enough fellow
despite his low slung jeans and some kind of pink crochet bucket hat
he wears that only sets off his slapped-check look. For some reason I
hear Marley music in the background when I see that hat.

Did I mention I tried reasoning with Judy to avoid a trip to the mall.

Me: The mall is going to be too busy now and we'll never get a parking
unless we resort to gunfire.
Couldnt' we just drive to Safeway and get him a gift card?

Judy: (wide-eyed with horror) That's so sketch, mom, so retarded. I'm
not going to just hand him some cheap gift card. That doesn't even
like, take planning."

Me: Planning? Weeks ago, I would have hired a contractor to nail some
two by fours into a personal neck-tie caddy for him to avoid the mall.

Judy: Mutherrrr! It won't be that bad, you drop me off and I'll meet
you inside at Zumi's or something.

I knew dropping her off would require me to then circle the parking
lot for 35 more minutes which wouldn't be so bad if she was actually
looking for a gift. But I know she'll make a detour into Sephora,
House of Cosmetics For The Professional Stage Actor, and then dive
into Forever 21 for a peek at the sateen jacket I told her I'd never
buy even if the disco look came back.

Not that I'd find a parking though I'd probably get close. I'd see a
shopper, bags in tow walking hesitantly looking for her car, head
bobbing, rooster-like trying to recall if she even parked at the mall
or across the interstate at IHOP. I'll be filled with hope as she
spots her car and pops her trunk only to become aware of my presence
and smiley sweetly and shake her head, that no, she's not leaving.
I'll whisper a voodoo curse I recall from Gilligins' Island and speed off.

All the while, Judy texts me from somewhere in the mall: Whr r u?
So now, as I have until Jan 1st in California to text while driving, I
reply: STILL LOKN 4 PKNG

If I had the time I'd like to write instead:

B hind a colosal suv inhalng fums whle they unload 13 mbrs of ther
fmly n wait whil da stupid drivr kiss evry 1 bye as if they leavn 4 a
cruise to Brmuda Triangl.

But I don't because I spot a car backing out and speed toward it. I
can't believe my luck as I swing into the parking only to discover
it's for Safeway and I WILL BE TOWED AT OWNER'S EXPENSE if I park
there without shopping at Safeway.

Okay, I can play this game. I head into the grocery store, surely I
can buy something, dish soap, floss, english muffins, laxatives,
anything. I grab a box of hair relaxer and a pack of Orbit gum and get
in the express line. Meanwhile, another text from Judy: HURY ME IN
LINE NEED MONI

I reply I'm on my way, as I pay the cashier and ignore his looks as he
bags my hair relaxer and gum. He has the customer service skills of a
goat and dead-pan asks me if i'm aware that the relaxer is buy-one-get
one-free? I tell him one is enough and to hurry him up I tell him that
my husband is on oxygen in the car, while extending my hand for my
change.
I'm ready to grab a plastic bag and close his airway as he slowly
opens a roll of nickles and counts out my coins which he finally hands
over with a 6 foot receipt that now includes coupons for things I
wouldn't buy if it was my last free day on the planet.

Purchases in tow, I head into the mall, aware that the Safeway
security guy is watching me but what can he do, I used his store
didn't I. I'm officially a shopper at Safeway, the sign didn't say I
had to stay only in Safeway. I figure as long as I kept the store
bag with me, I'd be safe.

Ten minutes later I find Judy in a store called Rox Shox, impatiently
standing off to the side near the register.

Judy: "Oh my gawd, you took forever!"

Me: "There are 9000 people out there equivalent to a border crossing
during war time. It slowed me down a bit"

Judy: Okay, whatever. I need your card for this top then we'll head
over to Macy's and get the sock monkey,andthenwehav etostop
andgetascarftogowit hit......

Me: You're buying a top? Just get the monkey and lets go.

Judy: Mutherrr! I need this for Sonia's party!

Me: You have 8 other tops just like this.

The clerk interrupts us and loudly lets us know she can't hold
merchandise beyond one hour.

I mumble something about her red tips and lack of personality as I
fish for my credit card. Too mortifying for my daughter, she hisses
she'll 'wait outside for me'. Leaving me alone with Miss Snarly Check
Out Girl.

"You need a gift receipt with this", she drawls.

I reply, "No, but a travel size vial of Valium will do".

She gives me a dead stare as she hands me my bag. I can handle her
dirty looks I tell myself as I turn to leave, taking consolation that
she probably can't even spell Valium.

Judy and I head to Macy's where we discover (surprise) that they are
out of the traditional brown sock monkeys and only have the key-chain
size type left. Judy nearly spirals to the floor in Wicked Witch of
the West melting fashion, as she bemoans the situation and I helpfully
suggest we just buy him a bottle of colonge.

Recovering, she replies, "just forget it. I'll make him a sock
monkey". Let go to Joann Fabrics for the stuff."

Me; Oh sure, and while we're there, maybe we can order some genuine
imported mohair from the women in Peru to sew on and give the monkey
that natural hair look.

Judy: Mutherrr! We need to hurry, everything closes early today!

I began to wonder if I actually went through labor and delivery with
this child and instead entertain the idea that we were given her by
some lovely couple, poor, but determined for their child to have a
good life.

No. Who am I kidding. I've been at this kids' beck and call since she
was in the womb and wouldn't let me drink my traditional 3 cups of
coffee a day without kicking and turning for days. Which reminded me I
desperately needed a cup now and suggested to her that we swing by
Starbucks.

Judy: Now?! Look at the line! Just wait till we get home. Oh my gawd,
why didn't you buy some earlier or something?

Rightfully scolded, what was I thinking, not planning ahead and making
myself a cup of coffee at home and putting it into my car cup.

Back at the car the Safeway parking lot guard hustles over as I
climbed into my seat. I don't roll the window down as he starts
telling me something about 'walking away from my car after shopping..."
"Okay", I wave, and showd him my Safeway bag as I back up. Smiling
and waving I point to my ear, and shake my head, to indicate I
can't hear him.

Back on the freeway I suggested to my daughter that maybe next year
she order stuff online and have it sent.

Judy: Wow, I like know that already and bought your gift that way only
it's super lame and won't arrive until February cuz it's so backed
up." I wanted Harry to open the monkey on Christmas day."

For once in the 3 years since she became a teenager, I understood her
as I recalled the mail order I placed when she was eight years old and
had to have the RealMeal Easy Bake Oven,so I paid $20 extra for
overnight shipping so she'd have it on Christmas Day.

Me: You're right. He should open it on Christmas Day; and the one
you'll make will probably look ten times cuter than the store bought
kind."

She looked over at me warily, sizing me up, her look telling me that
maybe I wasn't sub-human after all. Nah, she probably just noticed the
hair relaxer on the seat is for 'ethnic hair styling needs'.

Happy New Year.