Pimp my Ride

Once your children reach junior high, you’ll want to dump the minivan right away. Donating it to a charitable organizing is best, but in a time crunch, leaving it by a lone reservoir in San Jose, will take months for authorities to find it and by then you can plead insanity.
Should you stupidly hang on to your minivan during your children’s middle school years, you’re asking for a lifetime of field trip driving unless you have a friend in law enforcement that can switch your fingerprints with a local pedophile.
I was recently asked to drive for a fieldtrip for a group of 7th graders. With no time left for reservoir hunting or abandoned mine shaft browsing, I instead made a hand-out of rules and expectations to set up clear guidelines for the students in my charge. Well, no one even looked at it, but instead, crumbled the sheets up and made phallic objects out of it.
As they piled into my van I visualized a stampede of crazed wildebeests careening toward a cliff. These two legged versions included your typical Son of Damien type, moody, with slick black bangs covering one eye; the Follower, who has yet to have a growth spurt and tolerates his classmates using his skull as a drum; and the Yakker, who despite not being born in this country, talks incessantly while parking a jaw breaker on one side of her mouth.
Nonetheless, I thought to expand my role as a driver and imagined I could engage them in some stimulating conversation:
ME: So, Jeremy, are you enjoying your advanced math class?
JEREMY: (snort) Ha, the teacher’s such a douche bag and loser. He writes on the board like he’s conducting a flippin’ parade ….
ME: Uh, Eileen, are your folks working at the upcoming Carnival?
EILEEN: (sneering) If my retarded sister isn’t like, having a meltdown to piss them off and ruin our lives and make my grandma threaten to call the cops or the children’s protective services place, yeah. Man.
ME: (wondering if there’s any topic these kids can’t poison) “David, what’d you think of the new combined 7th/8th basketball squad this season?
DAVID: (leaning to one side and flexing his fingers into an arthritic pose that I guess was suppose to look ‘gangsta’) “Sheeet, we owned those schools; we would’uv won the league if they’d pass me the ball. I’d of downed that ball on those wusses”.
There’s something to be said for a morose environment; I decided to give it a try for 16 miles until the kids noticed I hadn’t made a sound except for the sucking of my teeth.
KIDS: “How ya doing Mizz Minassian”
ME: I’m swell, but as soon as we come up to this next light, I’ll be hurling myself out onto the curb…. you comfortable taking the wheel?”
KIDS: Mizz Minassian, do you think we’ll have time to stop at 7-eleven for a Slurpee and Frito Boat?
ME: Sure, and while you’re inside, ask the attendant for a book of matches so I can burn my flesh in punishment for agreeing to this trip.”

KIDS: Mizz Minassian, my chapstick just rolled under the seat and Richard won’t move his feet; can you tell him something?
ME: “Richard, move your Neanderthal feet and use that claw of a hand of yours to get before I make you eat it”!
KIDS: Miss-es Min-ahh-see-yun! Karl said he’s not feeling well and his forehead is sweating”.
ME: “Karl!” Don’t’ you dare throw up in my car or I’ll dump your lanky body at the first Wal-Mart I see and tell your parents you ran off to join a Farmer’s Market!”
At this point, I passed out my rule sheet in the hopes that I could enjoy a few silent minutes as they read, or until the throbbing blood vessel in my brain burst.
1. Inserting Cheez Whiz into your nostrils or your companions’ will not be tolerated. You may however; whip your companion with licorice twists until their back resembles the slave rowboat scene in the Ten Commandenments.
2. Singing songs are encouraged. Pasting a Band aide to the side of your face and attempting to karaoke to Nelly will result in the driver reaching back and slapping you sideways.
3. Making lewd hand gestures at passing motorists is not only un-Christian like, but could result in 6-mile car pile up, which will follow with the Sky 7 news helicopter flyer overhead and displaying your guilty face on the local evening news.
4. Please do not use binder paper to write potentially alarming notes such as “I’m being held against my will”, and “The driver is NOT my parent”, to display to passing CHP officers. The driver will not only slap you on the side of the head, but spread bed-wetting rumors about you.
5. Extra stops will not be made at convience stores, cemeteries, arcades, piñata shops, or bowling alleys. At the driver’s discretion however, quick stops are permitted at Starbucks, Nordstrom Rack, and Conchita’s Burrito Corral. Occupants will remain seated in the vehicle with the windows rolled up.
6. Occupants of the vehicle must refrain from insulting one another even if seating space is tight. Calling your classmate “highway thighs” or “body-odor play uh”, is not only cruel, but could result in the driver swerving the vehicle from laughter.
7. If you feel car sick or need the facilities, please tap the driver lightly on the shoulder and discreetly whisper something to the effect, “My system is unstable, I need a private moment”. Do not yell vulgarities, such as “I’m gonna hurl”, “The big one’s on the way”, “Gotta pause for a whizzer”, or “The doo-doo man’s a knockin’.
8. Though you may not be with a group of people you are most familiar with; use the opportunity to talk to a classmate you might otherwise avoid. However, do not use this time to inquire about your classmates’ medication dosage, family incarcerations, or unusual birthmark patterns.
9. Finally, be sure to thank the driver profusely for her unselfish act of driving, risking life and limb to ensure your education is a well-rounded and meaningful one. And rather than making a class card to express your thanks, your driver would surely accept cash donations, cruise ship tickets, a Juicy Couture bag, or a Merry Maids cleaning contract.
Have a nice trip, and when you reach your destination, try not to slam the door on your neck. Thank you.