Sunday afternoon my son trooped in with 4 of his
buddies from school and lined them up in
the foyer at attempts to introduce them to me. At first I suspected they
were going to perform a
prepared dance number,
but gauging their embarassed shuffling and twitches,
I decided that probably was pretty remote.
Son: "Mom, this is Marconi, Stebbs, Baron, and Hyde".
Me: Feeling like I'd just been introduced to my legal
Dream Tream. "Hi boys, come in , make yourselves at
home."
They each extended a rag dolls' hand to shake while
focusing on the woodgrain floor pattern before trudging single file to the family room.
I've seen more energy at a Senior Center.
Me: "Well,okay", I called after them, "I'll have some snacks out
in a minute." (and maybe a pair of shears for those
bangs, I muttered under my breath)
Son: "Mom, dont' put a ton of stuff out, we're just
going to chill here a while then head over to Axel's".
Me: Not knowing how long it would take for them to 'chill', I put out some cut up circles of bolonga and
sprinkled some raisins over it
They wouldn't be looking up from their video game before shoving a handful of food in their mouths anyways. I could have served
them cordon bleu in my underwear and they wouldn't have noticed. No need to get out the good cutlery.
I emptied the dishwasher while they engaged in 30 minutes of simulated shooting in a alley somewhere in middle America.
The only time they paused during play was to reply rapid fire to a incoming text message on their cell phones.
Similar to the youth during the Early-Man period in history, these guys communicated not by using each others
first names, but instead:
"Dude....that's so sick...
"Dude...I saw this killer looking car....
"Dude...move your fat face away from...
Me: "Okay kids, I'm going out to the gym now, you guys enjoy yourselves and we'll see you again soon."
I might as well have announced I was leaving to rendezvoux with a local cult - by this time they had taken all the sofa
cushions and placed them on the floor while Marconi was lining up the raisins on Hydes' outstretched back.
I cursed myself for serving snacks that would end up scattered over the floor like ants.
Dude, next time, I think I'll call out for pizza at least the pepperoni in the carpet will be easier to spot.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
Say Cheese
According to Homeowner's World, people will risk their lives to re-enter a burning house to save their family's photo albums. The thought of losing baby photos, precious milestones, and the secret photocopies of your butt on the copier at work, cause regular folks to dash, fists clenched, knowing they could possible scorch their sideburns if not, fry to death.That'll never happen at our house. For two reasons; just like the clean towels, I'm the only one that seems to know where the photo albums are.
I could make stepping stones out of them on the front lawn and the kids and dad'll accuse me of not being sentimental enough.I've bought every lousy picture that my kids knowingly posed for in a school setting. The minute those goldenrod notices are sent home from the school office encouraging them to "Look Your Best, We'll Do the Rest" is a parents' cue to get your kids teeth straightened or at least schedule the rhinoplasty. Doing otherwise, you can consider yourself a negligent parent.
There's no such thing as a simple picture - you're not going to be let off sending in a check for the Basic Package that includes a class pix with the cardboard cutout of the principal. No, now you have options and sitting styles to choose from:
Standard Package #1:Includes 3 standard individual shots of your child, no retouching or airbrushing is done. Retakes are not allowed even if your child's eyes are closed or half his face is missing from the picture. This is the best package to buy if you're looking for a 'no frills' kind of deal. These are inexpensive and good to use in Christmas cards to distant relatives who are incarcerated.
Premium Package #2 In this package you get a choice of 2 backgrounds of either a faux forest scene with a startled deer peering between the trees, or, a canoe on a lake scene with realistic facial expressiosn of it's inhabitants faces as they approach the upcoming Falls. A class picture is also included for an extra $10 or you can opt for the aerial view of the custodial staff posing near the air ducts on the administration building.
Deluxe Package #3 This package is for the parent who wants only the best for their child. These poses will reflect a thoughtful yet natural-like expression using props and if necessary, historic weapons. Yes, these photos will grace the walls of your home and of the child's grandparents, long into the future when grandma won't even notice she's hanged the photo upside down in the bathroom. Your child will pose in fun, yet natural poses that express his/her personality and budding vulgarity.(A Note to Our Returning Customers"": This year, the skull and crossbones with leather vest option has been discontinued.
Yes, even the class photo in front of the faded cafeteria is thing of the past. When I was in 4th grade, we used principals' pick up for a backdrop. My daughter's kindergarten class picture resembled a scene from Pimp My Ride. The class mother at the time, knew the manager at the local Hummer dealership. So all the kids stood around posing in 95 degree weather, leaning up against cars bigger than their homes, scratching the paint off with their fingernails. Of course we bought the airbrushed package for $99.00. If we should have a house fire, I'll still make a grab for the photo albums - some of my best hairstyles are in there. Before I had kids I could afford a stylist unlike the $13 cuts I now sport that make me look like David Cassidy.
© Copyright by author, used with permission by Humor Press.
I could make stepping stones out of them on the front lawn and the kids and dad'll accuse me of not being sentimental enough.I've bought every lousy picture that my kids knowingly posed for in a school setting. The minute those goldenrod notices are sent home from the school office encouraging them to "Look Your Best, We'll Do the Rest" is a parents' cue to get your kids teeth straightened or at least schedule the rhinoplasty. Doing otherwise, you can consider yourself a negligent parent.
There's no such thing as a simple picture - you're not going to be let off sending in a check for the Basic Package that includes a class pix with the cardboard cutout of the principal. No, now you have options and sitting styles to choose from:
Standard Package #1:Includes 3 standard individual shots of your child, no retouching or airbrushing is done. Retakes are not allowed even if your child's eyes are closed or half his face is missing from the picture. This is the best package to buy if you're looking for a 'no frills' kind of deal. These are inexpensive and good to use in Christmas cards to distant relatives who are incarcerated.
Premium Package #2 In this package you get a choice of 2 backgrounds of either a faux forest scene with a startled deer peering between the trees, or, a canoe on a lake scene with realistic facial expressiosn of it's inhabitants faces as they approach the upcoming Falls. A class picture is also included for an extra $10 or you can opt for the aerial view of the custodial staff posing near the air ducts on the administration building.
Deluxe Package #3 This package is for the parent who wants only the best for their child. These poses will reflect a thoughtful yet natural-like expression using props and if necessary, historic weapons. Yes, these photos will grace the walls of your home and of the child's grandparents, long into the future when grandma won't even notice she's hanged the photo upside down in the bathroom. Your child will pose in fun, yet natural poses that express his/her personality and budding vulgarity.(A Note to Our Returning Customers"": This year, the skull and crossbones with leather vest option has been discontinued.
Yes, even the class photo in front of the faded cafeteria is thing of the past. When I was in 4th grade, we used principals' pick up for a backdrop. My daughter's kindergarten class picture resembled a scene from Pimp My Ride. The class mother at the time, knew the manager at the local Hummer dealership. So all the kids stood around posing in 95 degree weather, leaning up against cars bigger than their homes, scratching the paint off with their fingernails. Of course we bought the airbrushed package for $99.00. If we should have a house fire, I'll still make a grab for the photo albums - some of my best hairstyles are in there. Before I had kids I could afford a stylist unlike the $13 cuts I now sport that make me look like David Cassidy.
© Copyright by author, used with permission by Humor Press.
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